That’s right, folks. Lack of internet connection has lead to a brilliant development…a reduction in procrastination! I have managed to write thousands of words while waiting for my broadband man to come a visiting (he’s coming on Thursday, by the way). Without my connection I’m unable to spend hours of my life reading other people’s blogs, catching up on celebrity gossip and researching what jeans to buy when I get back to a UK size 10. And while I am feeling the loss of all those things keenly, it has its upside in the fact that I am writing like a woman possessed. It’s fantastic! My story is progressing, I have new scenes, new characters, new facets, new subplots…Oh yeah, and really painful wrists.
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| See? Looks sore, huh? |
Apparently procrastination was my friend, helping me from hurting myself. Who knew? My increased output coupled with the fact that I have double the amount of journalism work to do means that my wrists and finger pads ache and my hands are cramping and curling in on themselves. I look like Lady Gaga doing her 'Little Monster' claws. You'll be glad to know I don't dress like her, though. Pretty soon I’m going to have to type by holding a spoon in my mouth and using the end to press the keys. Maybe it’s the fibromyalgia that’s making my pain so bad. Or maybe it’s the fact that I can’t pace myself and think I’m Wonder Woman. You'll be glad to know I don't dress like her, though. So people, you’ve been warned. Embrace procrastination, or prepare for pain.
Anyway, QUERY TIME!
Even if you’re not in the query blog hop please give me any critique you can. It’s like a CV (or resume, if you’re in the States). It has to be good or my little manuscript won’t be leaving my desk drawer. This is my first attempt, I hate these things so much.I would much prefer brutal honesty than niceness, though obviously if you could try to couch your brutal honesty in a little niceness, I’d be much obliged ;)
As if it wasn’t hard enough living with her sister and her Dr. Phil obsessed partner, Alex Geraghty’s job was starting to drive her mad. Her job as a journalist at one of Dublin’s most notorious tabloid papers mainly involved rewriting press releases for self-important pop acts, and correcting her colleagues grammar is about as exciting as her life gets. What she really wants is to work for a glossy magazine, one of those publications that realises that it’s possible for women to care about Desperate Housewives and the situation in Israel/Palestine. When she meets gorgeous music journalist Carl Colgan, Alex has never been happier. But when life throws a spanner in the works and she has to choose, which will come first? Her boyfriend or her job?
Rose is living her dream. She’s working in a job she loves as a teacher in a disadvantaged area, and she’s living with a gorgeous man who she adores. But as her school goes under more cuts, she starts to spend more time at work picking up the shortfall. Cracks start to form in her relationship as her boyfriend Daniel begins to feel that she is taking him for granted. Is she taking on too many responsibilities? Or is the problem that he’s refusing to face up to his?
Shannon is dispirited. In her early thirties, her acting work is starting to dry up and her work at the local call centre is only bringing in a small amount of money. Her partner Ian is supportive of her, and encourages her to go for what she wants. But when Ian is put on a three day week they start to suffer financially, relying on Shannon’s sister Alex living with them in order to pay their bills. Ian urges her to continue, but Shannon starts to have doubts. Is she being selfish? Does there come a time when you have to put your dreams aside for the one you love?
Storms in Teacups is the light-hearted story of three modern women trying to come to balance their careers and their relationships.
The first few lines are in past tense and then you switch to present. I would suggest moving it all into present.
ReplyDeleteYou present three storylines and I guess the book is how these three deal with the problems of modern womanhood, but each story is fairly straightforward. You've made it a big ask — each story should be interesting on it's own, and then having them together should add an extra dimension and you need to show what that is.
What is it about Alex's dilemma that would make someone sit up and listen?
What is it about Rose's predicament that would make a reader want to know more?
Why should we care if Shannon is good at acting or not?
At the moment they could each be a soap storyline.
It is of course very valid to write about ordinary lives in an engaging and moving way, but the pitch needs to demonstrate some of what makes their stories worth spending time on. I'm not you've included enough of that so far.
It could be great or not, but I can't tell from the query, which is its job. I think you need a more defined hook to each aspect.
Hope that helps.
regards
mood
Moody Writing
I think you've got something really interesting here, but it could do with some condensing.
ReplyDeleteFirst paragraph:
Alex Geraghty’s job was driving her mad. As a journalist at one of Dublin’s most notorious tabloid papers, correcting her colleagues grammar is about as exciting as her life gets. What she really wants is to work for a glossy magazine, one of those publications that realises it’s possible for women to care about Desperate Housewives and the situation in Israel/Palestine. Then she meets gorgeous music journalist Carl Colgan, and Alex has never been happier. But when life throws a spanner in the works and she has to choose, which will come first? Her boyfriend or her job?
Third:
Shannon is dispirited. In her early thirties, her acting work is starting to dry up and her work at the local call centre doesn't bring in much money. Her partner Ian encourages her to go for what she wants. But when Ian is put on a three-day work week, they have to rely on Shannon’s sister Alex, who lives with them, to pay their bills. Ian urges her to continue, but Shannon starts to have doubts. Is she being selfish? Does there come a time when you have to put your dreams aside for the one you love?
By making those changes, you cut over 40 words from the query and it feels tighter. Although I'd probably try to trim it even more.
I think putting three characters into one query is tricky, but you can definitely pull it off.
My last question, then, is how these three women are tied together.
You've probably already seen this, but just in case, this is a great example of a query with multiple characters that worked: http://www.guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog/Successful+Queries+Agent+Elizabeth+Winick+Rubinstein+And+The+Weird+Sisters.aspx
Your first paragraph needs the most work. You need to stick with one tense throughout: present tense. Also, try and cut some of your sentences up. There are some long ones in there!
ReplyDeleteAt the moment, I see a book about 3 women, but I don't get any idea why these three are in the same book. You need to explain how the three stories intersect (assuming they do) and if they don't, what the reason is for the three stories. As written, this could be read as queries for three separate books.
You'll also want to put your word count and genre in there, as well as some pub credits if you have any, or just a little biographical note relevant to your book.
Very interesting. I can see how this would be a tough query to write. I do a few 2 MC novels and I haven't even figured out how to do those, let alone having one that has 3. That is quite commendable to tackle such in this type of novel. The only multi-mc books I know about are epic fantasy. As it stands, I was a little confused when I first read it and maybe having a paragraph at the beginning that shows the unison portion of the novel and then going to the different story lines might help. Because, as has already been said, it does feel like three different stories but not one combined novel with the way the query letter stands now.
ReplyDeleteEach paragraph does have some great elements. I liked the short first sentences in the second and third characters' paragraphs, for example. They are very short but show something important about them. The questions don't interest me as much. Those will depend on who you are sending to I think because some will really like to have questions presented to them in the query but a few may not.
Nice work in posting for the query and finding a way to fit it in the A to Z blog challenge.
;-)
Great start, but the big thing I see is way too many questions. From everything I've experienced, researched and been told, agents are allergic to question marks in their queries. They don't want to guess the answers, they want assurances that YOU know the answers, that you know these characters and your story.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing of course is the multiple storylines. Honestly, I would just pick one, and emphasize that POV and her story and then add something at the end about how her story intertwines with two other women's stories and switches throughout with their POVs. If one of the three women's stories is strong enough to stand on its own and get an agent intrigued enough to request a partial, then hearing that there's two other stories of equal weight in the MS is all they need to know - they're already hooked. The flip side of that is if you can't sell the agent on one of the storylines alone, then adding two more isn't going to changes that. I know its natural with multiple POV stories to want to hedge your bets - who knows which POV the agent might be more naturally inclined towards? But you're selling yourself short that way. Have confidence in your characters and your writing, and that will shine through. In essence say, you like what I'm doing with this character? This is just a taste, there's two more just as compelling! Come see!
I can see this book being really interesting, but the query, with the three separate story lines feels a little listy.I think I would focus on just one of the relationships and tie in briefly with the other two, or else write if from a more Gestault perspective--why are you telling the story about all 3? What do they have to do with each other (I mean I see that two are sisters--but you get what I mean).
ReplyDeleteI have this problem in my own stuff--I love stories that have separate strands that then come together later in the story, but it makes for a nasty query obstacle. Good luck!
Each one of the stories sounds interesting, but I don't see how they're ultimately connected. Are these each independent short stories or do the three women know each other? If you can show us how it all relates, that would definitely strengthen your query.
ReplyDeleteThanks for participating!