Some Belated Scroogery

Well, the good news is that I'm actually selling copies of Storms. I was really nervous about putting it out, but now that it's published it's not actually that scary. Well, until I start getting reviews in which will be very scary indeed.

The bad news is that my cough has progressed into a full-grade body-wracking rumble that makes me sound like I'm auditioning for the role of over-enthusiastic-consumptive patient #3 in a Victorian era drama. Not only is the cough itself painful, but I've coughed so hard that I've inflamed the muscles between my ribs, and it hurts to breath, move, hold things or, you guessed it, cough.


I also haven't had a full night's sleep in over a week, which has taken my already 'pale Irish' complexion down to 'living undead'.

The fact that this has happened over Christmas just adds to my general feeling of joie de vivre. I have friends home from the UK, I have family occasions that I want to go to, and I've missed them all.

The worst thing is the guilt. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I'm not sure that everyone understands my illness at the best of times, but when I get another infection on top of it it makes everything more intense.

Sometimes, I'd just like to be able to plan my life without factoring in fibromyalgia. I'm really fed up today.

This has been an awful self-pitying post. Luckily, I'm over at Caitlin Lane's blog today, being a bit more upbeat and talking about writing for a living.

Promise I'll be in a better mood tomorrow!

On Audiobooks

For those not in the know, fibromyalgia is a syndrome. This means that it has a number of characteristic symptoms, and patients have a selection of them. One of mine - visual disturbances.

This can lead to migraines, floaters, light sensitivity and muscle tiredness. At the end of the day, when I'm tired from having looked at a computer screen for most of the day, I find it difficult to read. I've carried books around with me since I was a toddler, so not being able to read is uncomfortable to me. What to do with the time?

So I decided to download a couple of audiobooks. This rankled for three reasons.

First of all, I'm a traditionalist. Despite the fact that owning a Kindle would be easier on my wrists (because it's lighter - the weight of paper books can hurt me) I still haven't managed to bite the bullet and buy one. I have an emotional block. I like ink, paper and being able to mark my page with a bus ticket. Audiobooks are the same deal for me. It's like someone trying to convince you that paper plates really are the classier alternative to ceramic.

Secondly, it makes me feel old. I'm 24, and I already feel like a pensioner the majority of the time. I have fibro and inflammatory arthritis. I wear glasses, sensible shoes, and occasionally have to use a walking stick.I have to pace myself, and not over exert myself or I may need to go for a nap. I've come to terms with all this, but nothing, NOTHING has made me feel as old as downloading audiobooks.

This is irrational. Plenty of people download books to listen to while commuting to work or doing household chores. It makes sense. It's only in my head that I see my ninety year old great grandmother listening to her Catherine Cookson tapes.

I found the audiobooks ok, but the price was ridiculous. You can pay twice as much for an audiobook as you do for a paperback, and that's a conservative estimate. Considering an average book is five hours long when read aloud, this is pretty steep.I know you have to pay the narrator, sound engineer and get the book adapted but it makes reading expensive for those with eyesight issues. At least I have a choice.

What about you? Do you 'read' audiobooks?

When did life start to involve so much juggling?

It's been a difficult week. I'm still in flare, but I'm not going to dwell on that. My foster daughter went home on Monday, which was also difficult. I've a number of self-imposed deadlines for my writing from here until Christmas, and I've - crazily - taken on a couple of new projects work wise. I'll talk about them in October.

My biggest news is that I'm going to have a new foster placement! He's an infant with high medical needs, and we'll have him for six months. It's very exciting (if a bit daunting) and I can't wait to meet him.

I went to see the new Jane Eyre film on Thursday, which was so amazing it deserves its own blog post. Which it will get tomorrow.

Have a great weekend everyone! :)

I'm back!

So, you may have noticed that I haven't blogged in over a week. This isn't like me, I usually blog most weekdays and visit as many blogs as I can. Unfortunately, I had a flare last week.

Flares are where most of my fibromyalgia symptoms kick-in together. I get pain in my limbs, cognitive function is slower and I can get visual disturbances and migraine. Energy levels are usually low. When this happens, I can usually get on with life but at a slower pace than normal. Unfortunately, I'm in Super-Flare! I had two migraines last week, and the pain was so bad last night, that even with heavy duty painkillers it looked like I needed to go to hospital.

My number one priority was minding my foster daughter, and that's what I did. She didn't even know I was sick, and I'm proud of that. (She left yesterday) But it did mean a lack of posts, and that I haven't checked up on my online friends. I'm really sorry. But as you can tell from the repeated phrases in one short blog post (unfortunately, last week, etc) I'm not myself.

Normal service will be resumed shortly :)

Followers, Fibro and Purple Hued Cocktails

No real bunnies were injured in the taking of this photo.

My weekend was fairly uneventful, because I was sick for most of it. My fibromyalgia hasn't been bothering me much lately, but it has come back this week and seems to want to make up for lost time. Great.

I had a good week though. I am now godmother to my beautiful brother Jack. There's almost twenty three years between us, but as I plan on sticking at 25 for at least a decade the gap will soon narrow.

I got my husband an Xbox for our anniversary, and he's been solving crime in 1940s LA ever since. We did manage to squeeze in a meal at a nice restaurant to celebrate two years of marriage and many cocktails were consumed. My new favourite is an Avation, a mix of gin, maraschino liqueur, lemon and crème de violette. It's a pre-1916 cocktail, which means it comes from my period of history so could conceivably be called research. Unfortunately, it doesn't come from the right continent, as it originated in New York instead of Europe, but there were a lot of Irish people in New York then, right? All I need to do now is link cocktail bars to the spread of smallpox and I can come at my historical research from a whole new angle.

 I also got a new iPhone, which I love. I had an iPhone before, but I lost it in the Big Snow of 2010 (for my North American friends, the 'big snow' was around five inches, and the country ground to a halt. Ireland doesn't usually get snow). It's handy because it means I can check my email on the go and I don't have to be at home to update my Facebook or Google+ status. I can also take pictures for my blog, like the one of my dog at the top of this post.

And hello to all my new followers! I've broken the 150 follower mark, so a contest of some description is called for. I'll try to come up with a suitable prize. And for those of you who want to take part in Rachael Harrie's Platform-Building Campaign there's still time to join in. You can sign up until August 31st.

Hope everyone had a great weekend! :)

My Name is Christine...and I'm Addicted to Books

My husband knew when we met that I liked to read, he just didn't realise how much I liked to read. He thought I was a book a week girl, and really how bad could that be?

When we moved in together, the problem was hidden by my illness. For two months I didn't read a single book, and in hindsight that should have been my first hint that I needed to go to the doctor. When you've constantly add a book on the go since you were a toddler (holding a book upside down still counts, you know) then suddenly not caring about reading should have set off the panic alarms. But I had just finished my final college exams in history, a subject well known for its heavy reading list, and we presumed that I was just burnt out. Anyway, even if I had suspected that something was seriously awry, I was feeling way to lethargic to actually do anything about it.

I was married and on honeymoon before I read another book. I was on medication for inflammatory arthritis by then, and felt clear enough to read Breakfast at Tiffany's (I was honeymooning in New York, it was the obvious choice). I only bought one book there, and a magazine of short stories. Again, very strange for me, but I didn't realise it at the time.

Back home, with a fibromyalgia diagnosis finally under my belt and some effective medication, I began reading again in earnest. I discovered young adult urban fantasy, and started writing my first novel. Slowly, my reading climbed up to its pre-illness level, and our Ikea bookshelf began to fill up. So much that we had to buy a new one. Books were stacked on window sills, on my bedside table, and on my office desk. So much so that I started to do that tell-tale addict activity: hide the signs of my purchases.

I was reading a book a day, or at least every two, so I stuffed all the paper bags from bookshops into the green bin when my husband wasn't looking. It's not that he would mind, he's very easy going, but because I was embarrassed.

He recently asked me to consider throwing out my books. I gave around a dozen to a charity shop, and called a halt to it there. He brought up the subject again the other day, talking about how much space my books take up. I now have a couple of cardboard cartons full of books in the cupboard under the stairs. However I pointed out, reasonably enough, that I let him have his Warhammer models on full display, so he needed to be respectful of my collection. He left it at that, though he does seem overly keen for me to get a Kindle. To help my hands, apparently. Hmmm.

Where did the week go?

Honestly, I can't believe that it's Friday already. It's been one of those strange weeks where time seems to have sped up, while my to do list has remained frustratingly high.

I have discovered that drinking beer while writing about it is not the best idea. When I started off it seemed like a good idea, particularly since I was drinking one of the brands I was writing. I started to get tipsy, and realised that my sentence syntax was starting to get muddled up. Fibromyalgia decreases your alcohol tolerance, so I had to stop after one bottle. I am a one drink woman or, in other words, a cheap date. I'm never going to make it as a stereotypical Irish writer who writes Jameson-fuelled prose.

I was feeling a little down about my writing, though my rejections haven't upset me it's hard to get emails and letters that are passing on your work without thinking that maybe this isn't meant to be. However, I got one rejection letter that said they would have taken me on a few months ago, but their client list is now full. They may have just said that to let me down gently, but it definitely beats a form rejection. My partial request came from an agent that I hesitated about querying, because they're such a big name. The odds are still saying that they're going to pass on me, but even the fact that they asked to see my work will give me a boost that should take me through the next round of querying.

Speaking of querying, Ravensborough is going out this weekend. So fingers crossed.

What do you guys do when you get discouraged?

In which Christine Discovers The Secret To Success...

First of all, I'm really excited because my blog has now had over a thousand page views! Which is great because, I love blogging. In fact, it may have overtaken perusing internet for as my number one form of procrastination. I really enjoy reading other people's blogs, because I'm inherently nosy. I've only been writing

here since March 23, but I've met so many great people in the blogosphere.

But anyway, the secret of success. As I've mentioned before I have fibromyalgia, which is basically a disorder of the central nervous system that affects how the body interprets and deals with pain. Right now I'm going through a rough time, but I won't bore anyone with the details here. Right now, I can't sleep, which is a pain, but it means I get all my journalism work done in the small hours of the morning, leaving the rest of the day for fiction work. It's amazing how productive insomnia makes you. Of course, this is a ll short lived and pretty soon I'm going to look like an extra from Dawn of the Dead, but right now it's working for me.



The second secret of success, I take no credit for. Ever wished that the whole story-telling business was less subjective and unwieldy? Well, then rejoice, for Computer Sherpa  has drawn up a Periodic Table of Storytelling. Cool, eh? It's even available in a print out format for those of us who like to prettify our workspaces. Seriously, you should check it out. You can't see it here, because the image is too small, but some of the 'element' listings are really funny. You can find it here.

Off to edit and to try in vain to increase my BuNoWriMo word count. If anyone else has any new 'secrets of success,'feel free to share them in the comment section :)

How was my day? Honestly, I've had better.

Today was a mixed bag of a day. It started off well, because it's a bank holiday in Ireland this weekend. So straight away that puts me in a good mood. And the sun is shining, so that's another plus.

Unfortunately, I'm really not feeling well today. I can't complain really, because my fibromyalgia has been fairly quiescent lately. They upped the dosage of my meds and I've been feeling really good. I've had lots of energy, and my mobility has been very good. This is somewhat of a mixed blessing, as I find little old ladies are much nicer to me when I'm using a walking stick. They tell me things at the bus stop, things that little old ladies seem to intuitively know. Like why the postal system is bad in our area right now, and what's going on in the private lives of our neighbours. One in particular told me that the bus system is getting worse in our area because the government our secretly selling our buses to the Russians...you heard it here first.

So while I had loads of things planned to do today, most of them fell through. Though I went to my favourite cafe with my husband and sketched down some rough idea for Ravensborough edits which was kind of productive. Bunowrimo took a back seat today, but I hope to catch up next week. I went to a production of Joseph and The Amazing Technicoloured Dreamcoat with my in-laws, which was awful, unfortunately. The pain got worse during it, so my husband and I had to grab a taxi straight home.

I'm a bit down about the pain. It just seems relentless, I've been in pain everyday for two years now. But when I get really bad, like tonight, I start to get scared that the pain won't die back down. Or that I'll deteriorate to the point where I can't write any more.

Anyway, enough pessimism. I have a job, a hobby I love, a fabulous husband and great family and friends. That should be enough for most people.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Frailty, thy name is...Christine.

Ok, the title is a bit melodramatic but there you go. I feel bad because I haven't written a blog post in a few days, but there has been a really good reason. I went into a fibromyalgia flare, which for those not in the know (you lucky, lucky, things) is when the symptoms step up in intensity and normal functioning is almost impossible. I've spent the last few days migrating from the bed to the couch and back again. I haven't written, blogged, or edited in days. I even had to use a sick day on my journalism work which I only do when I absolutely have to. I'll freely admit I sometimes cry off my fiction writing too easily, but journalism pays the bills. Some bills anyway. And short term bill paying can sometimes can often get in the way of long term dream building.

Husband was great. He made dinner, and went on valiant searches for dairy free chocolate. He didn't even give out to me when he found out I'd let my meds run low and therefore didn't have effective pain relief. This was especially good, because I do that all the time. Organisation and Christine do not go together. My fourteen year old sister despairs of me. I'm going to the doctor tonight anyway, and have vowed not to be so stupid again...

Back on track with editing now though. And I logged into my account this afternoon to find out that I have 50 followers! Hurrah! I thought the only way I would ever get 50 followers was if I started my own religious cult but, like I said, organisation and Christine do not go together. Thank you to everyone who reads my witterings. It means a lot.

Hope everyone is having a good week :)

Magic Month of May

Ok, I wimped out of finishing the A-Z challenge, I didn't do Y and Z before the end of April. I was going to finish it on the last day of April, but I forgot until yesterday that there was only thirty days in that month. I can only ever remember by using the rhyme. Still, the challenge did what I wanted it to do, it got me writing in my blog regularly so I'm pretty thrilled with that.

May is promising to be a busy month with a lot of introspection. Do you remember my angst about whether or not to go further with my education? Well, my potential PhD supervisor got back to me and said she'd support my application. She agreed to do it last year, but I couldn't proceed because I was too ill. I always wanted to do a history doctorate, and doing it would be an achievement that I didn't let my fibromyalgia stop me from achieving my dreams. But I have another dream - to be a published writer - and I only have so many spoons. If I do a PhD then I will have less time to write, but if I don't do a PhD and I don't become a published writer then I've lost two dreams. It's hard to decide. You're probably thinking 'But Christine, you can't even remember how many days are in April, are you sure that going back to University is the right thing for you to do?' This is a valid point, but I'm actually quite a good student. It's real life that leaves me baffled.

I'm also editing Storms in Teacups for an early June submission to a number of agents. How scary is that? Oh, and hopefully by the end of this month I will be halfway through the first draft of If Life Gives You Lemons. So a busy month ahoy.

And in totally awesome news, the fabulous Caitlin Vincent gave me an award! How cool is that? I'm fairly new (yet addicted) to the blogosphere, and it made me tear up a little to think that someone would give me an award like this. It literally made my day, thank you so much Caitlin!

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend :)

U is for...Ugh.

It's a lovely bank holiday weekend. The sun is shining, my husband is off work, there is a ridiculous amount of chocolate in my house. But I have decided to disregard all these things in order to have a rant thread.

My fibromyalgia has been bad this week. My hips and knees are so bad that I had to bow out of a fun game of rounders that my husband and his friends had organised. I was never going to be playing, I wouldn't be able to, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to stand and watch or sit on the grass either. So my husband went off on his own. He didn't want to leave him, but I made him go. He misses too many things due to my ropey health. Even so, I know that he'll be worried about me while he's there, and I feel so guilty for taking the shine off the day for him. And I really wanted to go out, enjoy the sunshine and chat to some nice people. I'm a bit down about that.

I had four of my siblings over yesterday for dinner. They're 7, 10, 11 and 14 and I love them to bits. We had a good time, but I struggled to seem cheery and upbeat for them because of the pain I was in. I really hope that they didn't pick up on it. They're only kids, and the last thing I want is for them to think I don't enjoy their company. I do, so much.

And then, of course, there's my writing. Despite resting my hands and arms, they're in bad shape and it hurts to write. This is bad, because I've reached a seam of writing where it's all flowing, and I'm in the middle of some intensive edits too. I can't work right now. Writing is what got me through my illness, and now I worry that physically my body can't do it.

Living with a long term illness is hard. Not only the pain, the nausea and the lack of energy, but you sometimes feel like you are losing yourself, the person you'd like to be and the person that you want to become. I think to be honest that that's the worst part of all.

I'm just having a bad day. Tomorrow will hopefully be better, and I'll remember that in the scheme of things I'm a very lucky woman. I've a great husband, a lovely family, I get to write a lot and have a lovely house and supportive friends. But right now? I need to vent.

Anyone who has a chronic illness, or knows someone who has should check out The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino. It gives a great explanation on what being ill feels like on a day to day basis, and my husband said it really helped him realise what it's like to be me.

Hope this all finds you well, and that you have a great Easter. I'm going to go cuddle my dog, drink copious amounts of tea and read a book.

P is for…Pain, Q is for…Query Blog Hop!

That’s right, folks. Lack of internet connection has lead to a brilliant development…a reduction in procrastination! I have managed to write thousands of words while waiting for my broadband man to come a visiting (he’s coming on Thursday, by the way). Without my connection I’m unable to spend hours of my life reading other people’s blogs, catching up on celebrity gossip and researching what jeans to buy when I get back to a UK size 10. And while I am feeling the loss of all those things keenly, it has its upside in the fact that I am writing like a woman possessed. It’s fantastic! My story is progressing, I have new scenes, new characters, new facets, new subplots…Oh yeah, and really painful wrists.

See? Looks sore, huh?

Apparently procrastination was my friend, helping me from hurting myself. Who knew? My increased output coupled with the fact that I have double the amount of journalism work to do means that my wrists and finger pads ache and my hands are cramping and curling in on themselves. I look like Lady Gaga doing her 'Little Monster' claws. You'll be glad to know I don't dress like her, though. Pretty soon I’m going to have to type by holding a spoon in my mouth and using the end to press the keys. Maybe it’s the fibromyalgia that’s making my pain so bad. Or maybe it’s the fact that I can’t pace myself and think I’m Wonder Woman. You'll be glad to know I don't dress like her, though. So people, you’ve been warned. Embrace procrastination, or prepare for pain. 

Anyway, QUERY TIME!

Even if you’re not in the query blog hop please give me any critique you can. It’s like a CV (or resume, if you’re in the States). It has to be good or my little manuscript won’t be leaving my desk drawer. This is my first attempt, I hate these things so much.I would much prefer brutal honesty than niceness, though obviously if you could try to couch your brutal honesty in a little niceness, I’d be much obliged ;)

As if it wasn’t hard enough living with her sister and her Dr. Phil obsessed partner, Alex Geraghty’s job was starting to drive her mad. Her job as a journalist at one of Dublin’s most notorious tabloid papers mainly involved rewriting press releases for self-important pop acts, and correcting her colleagues grammar is about as exciting as her life gets. What she really wants is to work for a glossy magazine, one of those publications that realises that it’s possible for women to care about Desperate Housewives and the situation in Israel/Palestine. When she meets gorgeous music journalist Carl Colgan, Alex has never been happier. But when life throws a spanner in the works and she has to choose, which will come first? Her boyfriend or her job?

Rose is living her dream.  She’s working in a job she loves as a teacher in a disadvantaged area, and she’s living with a gorgeous man who she adores. But as her school goes under more cuts, she starts to spend more time at work picking up the shortfall. Cracks start to form in her relationship as her boyfriend Daniel begins to feel that she is taking him for granted. Is she taking on too many responsibilities? Or is the problem that he’s refusing to face up to his?

Shannon is dispirited. In her early thirties, her acting work is starting to dry up and her work at the local call centre is only bringing in a small amount of money. Her partner Ian is supportive of her, and encourages her to go for what she wants. But when Ian is put on a three day week they start to suffer financially, relying on Shannon’s sister Alex living with them in order to pay their bills. Ian urges her to continue, but Shannon starts to have doubts. Is she being selfish? Does there come a time when you have to put your dreams aside for the one you love?

Storms in Teacups is the light-hearted story of three modern women trying to come to balance their careers and their relationships.

K is for...Kindle

When I first heard of ereaders, I was disgusted. I was a bit of a purist, the idea of a machine didn't appeal to me.  I love the feel of the paper, the smell of a new book, the smell of an old book (I do have two history degrees after all) the whole sensation of reading a proper book. But slowly I'm beginning to change my mind. Partly, it's because my illness makes it difficult for me to hold a book for a long time. I spent a day reading a couple of weeks ago, and spent the next day in pain with heat pads on my wrists. The thought of not reading, or even of reading less horrified me. I'm addicted to books. I read every day, and get uneasy if I can't for some reason. I get antsy if I don't have another couple of books lined up for when I finish my current one. I like the fact that if I'm too sore to leave the house, I can still buy books.

So, still not enthusiastic, my husband and I went to PC World to look at various readers. I'm not mad on the iPad or the Sony reader, so we looked at the Kindle. It was really light, much lighter than a standard book. But I still wasn't sure. I decided to think about it. I mean, we're not exactly rolling in money right now, and we can't afford to pay that much for a machine I think I might use.

But then something happened that changed my mind. For we are moving house. My husband packed loads of boxes of books last week. I packed loads of boxes today. We gave some books away to charity. And you know what? We still have an entire bookcase left to go. It's not good for my back, my wrists or my hips and I'm sore now. I could store 3,500 books on my Kindle, I think that's a good investment. So I think if I get knocked out of ABNA on April 26 then I'm going to buy myself a Kindle to reward myself for getting so far.

Is it true that I can lend ebooks to other Kindle users if I have one myself? Or is that just a scurrilous rumour?

H is for...History

Hmmm. Now I know why I have such a bad back.

Other than writing, my other love is history. I've been interested in since I was a kid, and I think part of the appeal of the urban fantasy genre for me is that you get to create your own new histories and mythologies from scratch.

I studied for my BA in Trinity College Dublin. I met my husband there, also a history student and we met on a history society trip to Edinburgh.

After graduating I went to University College Dublin and got my MA in the Social and Cultural History of Medicine. When I told people I wanted to study history at BA level, they assumed I wanted to be a teacher, when they found out that I was doing an MA in the history of medicine they assumed I wanted to be a doctor. And the embarrassing thing is, at 24, I don't really know what I'm going to do with my life at all.

When I was younger, I was so definite. I was going to get my PhD, write in my spare time, and raise children. I was energetic and determined, but then I got ill. I just don't have the same amount of energy as I used to. I'm currently on a year out from college, and I don't know whether I should go back and start my research doctorate this autumn. My husband thinks I should focus on writing, but I worry if I do that I'll end up five years down the line no nearer to being published with all my dreams in the dust. I really don't know what to do.

If I do my PhD, I won't be writing as much. That's a fact. But other people seem to juggle lots of things in their lives. How do you all juggle everything?

The guys over at Paper Hangover are asking people what are five things they'd wish they'd known before becoming a writer. Here are mine:

1) No matter how great an idea sounds in your head, it always loses a slight something when it moves onto the page. This is normal, and not a sign that you are a failure.

2) When you're a writer, everything is material. Worried about going to a family occasion because you can't stand someone? That's ok. Save up the negativity and use it for a character. Stuck waiting in a queue at the grocery. Eavesdrop on other people's conversations. It helps you learn what makes people tick.

3) Coffee is fuel. It has magical qualities, the stronger the better.

4) Sometimes I will prefer my imaginary world to the real world. Though, I've been like this all my life, even before I started to write.

5) I wish I'd known how much writing can hurt. Your wrists, your back, your fingers (not to mention the whizzing of caffeine through your veins). I see physiotherapy in my future.

And that's it. Have a good Friday! ;)

C is for... Coffee

Coffee is a relatively new love of mine. Like every good stereotypical Irish person, my first love is tea. My husband on the other hand, is a coffee lover. He samples different types of gourmet beans in the same way that some people collect expensive cigars or fine wines.  My husband is a journalist who works from home and the coffee machine we got as a wedding present is starting to huff and puff under the strain of making so many cups of coffee. I expect she'll be taking early retirement.

Before this month, I would have the odd cup of coffee, maybe once every fortnight or so. No more than that. But all of a sudden tea started tasting slightly bland, and I've moved over to having two mugs of coffee a day. Not much for most people, but for me it was the equivalent of a teetotaller starting to drink a bottle of wine a night.

I'm a very good person. I have no choice, I'm terrible at being bad. The one time I tried to sneak out to a pub when I was sixteen I was caught. Coffee has become my way of being bad. This sounds strange, but people with fibromyalgia aren't meant to have caffeine. I can't sleep without taking special medication (NOT sleeping tablets) and having the equivalent of four espresso shots a day isn't exactly going to help, is it? But I don't smoke, I only drink occasionally, and I have to cut down on sugar to drop body weight to improve mobility. We all need a vice, and I'm deciding right here and now, that my vice is coffee.

How badass is that? ;)

Ambition and Anonymity

I saw on someone's blog that there's an A-Z April challenge. Everyday for the entire month, bar Sundays, you have to write a post about a topic that begins with that day's letter. Usually I find those things kind of twee, but as I'm new to this whole blogging thing I thought that it would get me into a habit of posting regularly. So I decided to take up the challenge.

I've decided to start with a double post on ambition and anonymity, since the two things are linked for me. My ambition, since I was a small girl, was to become a published author. My parents were both vociferous readers, and passed on their love of books to me. I read more than a hundred books a year, and I'd hate to see a tot up of exactly how much my habit costs me.

I wrote lots as a kid. I won poetry competitions, and short story contest at school. I knew that I wanted to be a writer, but the cautious part of me knew that I had to have a back up plan. I went to college and studied history, and later the history of medicine. I started my novel dozens of times, but my critical inner-editor always clicked in and stopped me from progressing more than a few pages. The words on the page just weren't as good as the words in my head, and try as I might I couldn't seem to improve them. I didn't have enough confidence in my work to continue.

Everything changed in 2009. I finished my college finals, and got a pretty good result. I moved in with my fiancé, got accepted for a master's course, and was preparing for my wedding in August. It should have been the happiest time of my life, but it wasn't. I felt listless, and even small movements caused me pain. Some days it was an achievement for me to just get out of bed.

I enjoyed my wedding day, and had a great honeymoon in New York. The pain and fatigue still held me back to some degree, but I had a wonderful time and would go back in a heartbeat. When I came home I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a disorder of the central nervous system, characterised by chronic pain and fatigue. My rheumatologist told me that while there was a two per cent chance I would recover, it would be healthier for me to accept the fact that I would probably never get better.

My first thought was relief that it wasn't something more serious. The relief was short lived as I came to realise just how much my life had really changed. College became difficult, it was hard for me to physically get to classes, never mind do the assignments. It came clear that after graduation, getting full-time employment would be difficult. I'd always been academic, and I felt that lots of lives paths were becoming closed to me. Being in pain all the time takes its toll on you mentally. I was in a very dark place.

In an effort to distract myself, I started writing short stories. Inspired by brilliant urban fantasy author Richelle Mead, I decided to try writing in a different genre. I started Ravensborough - this year's ABNA entry, as part of Nanowrimo and became so involved with my writing that it became a sort of escape. I was also reading a lot of women's fiction, their message of overcoming adversity to find lasting happiness spoke to me at that time, and I found a natural voice in both genres. To be honest I put more effort into my writing than I did to my coursework, though I still got a decent grade.

I now write my books full time, with the odd bit of freelance journalism thrown in on top. It suits me, as I can work it around my condition. On good days I can get a lot of work done, on bad days I mightn't write a word. I'm lucky that I have a supportive husband, he's encourages my writing and believes in me more than I believe in myself.

I haven't told anyone in real life that I'm writing. I'm quite a shy, reserved person, and the idea of putting myself out there and telling people that I want to be a writer makes me feel quite vulnerable. I want it so much, that failing will hurt me so badly that I'm not sure if I want other people to know that I'm a failure. That's where the anonymity comes in, I guess. I entered ABNA sure that I wasn't going to make it past the pitch stage, but thought that it would be a good way to practice the rejections that every writer gets. When I was lucky enough to make it to the quarter finals, I was overwhelmed. That coupled with my favourable vine reviews made me think that maybe I do have something.

Don't get me wrong, an awful lot of good books were probably thrown out unfairly, and a few bad books probably scraped through. But I'm still proud. It gave me the confidence to set up a blog under my real name, and a determination to get published somehow. In that sense, even if I progress no further, I've got a hell of a lot from this competition.

Telling other people though...I don't know. I'm still working up to that :)