Saturday 23 April 2011

U is for...Ugh.

It's a lovely bank holiday weekend. The sun is shining, my husband is off work, there is a ridiculous amount of chocolate in my house. But I have decided to disregard all these things in order to have a rant thread.

My fibromyalgia has been bad this week. My hips and knees are so bad that I had to bow out of a fun game of rounders that my husband and his friends had organised. I was never going to be playing, I wouldn't be able to, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to stand and watch or sit on the grass either. So my husband went off on his own. He didn't want to leave him, but I made him go. He misses too many things due to my ropey health. Even so, I know that he'll be worried about me while he's there, and I feel so guilty for taking the shine off the day for him. And I really wanted to go out, enjoy the sunshine and chat to some nice people. I'm a bit down about that.

I had four of my siblings over yesterday for dinner. They're 7, 10, 11 and 14 and I love them to bits. We had a good time, but I struggled to seem cheery and upbeat for them because of the pain I was in. I really hope that they didn't pick up on it. They're only kids, and the last thing I want is for them to think I don't enjoy their company. I do, so much.

And then, of course, there's my writing. Despite resting my hands and arms, they're in bad shape and it hurts to write. This is bad, because I've reached a seam of writing where it's all flowing, and I'm in the middle of some intensive edits too. I can't work right now. Writing is what got me through my illness, and now I worry that physically my body can't do it.

Living with a long term illness is hard. Not only the pain, the nausea and the lack of energy, but you sometimes feel like you are losing yourself, the person you'd like to be and the person that you want to become. I think to be honest that that's the worst part of all.

I'm just having a bad day. Tomorrow will hopefully be better, and I'll remember that in the scheme of things I'm a very lucky woman. I've a great husband, a lovely family, I get to write a lot and have a lovely house and supportive friends. But right now? I need to vent.

Anyone who has a chronic illness, or knows someone who has should check out The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino. It gives a great explanation on what being ill feels like on a day to day basis, and my husband said it really helped him realise what it's like to be me.

Hope this all finds you well, and that you have a great Easter. I'm going to go cuddle my dog, drink copious amounts of tea and read a book.


  1. So sorry for you Christine. There is a little girl at the school where I teach who has a similar condition. She is a simply radiant child though and it is as if her suffering channels her attentions on the positive and things worthwhile. Would ask you round for a cuppa, except there's that thing of distance. But can I fetch you a cyber cup of tea? Tea mends so many feelings in life don't you think?

  2. I'm sorry about your pain. You are very good at trying to see the positive through it though.

  3. Oh bless you. Cute image. I am sorry you are feeling so poorly. It isn't fun. Thanks for the book recommendation. I shall look that one up for sure. Hope you feel much better soon. Hugs :O)x

  4. Just followed the link and read/commented on the post. Excellent! :O)

  5. Does meditation help? Sometimes I do the creative visualization type, and imagine good oxygen and energy traveling through me, when I'm stressed and headachy.
    Yeah, I was looking forward to writing a couple of tricky scenes when I cut my hand on a metal three-bean salad can top. How annoying is that?! But I AM going to write anyway, after pressing on the cut with a cold towel and bandaging it. Nothing will stop me today!!!
    I hope you feel better asap.

  6. Oh, I do hope you feel better soon! How brave you are for pressing on and giving us such a lovely blog in the midst of a painful day.

  7. I do hope you feel better tomorrow! I so know how you feel! My legs, hips, and knees are the worst at times! the melixicam seems to be helping with the arthritis in the lower back (riddled with it apparently, according to the doctor) and hips. I love the image you used! How cool to spend time with the siblings! Mine are so far away that I can't spend the time that I would like with them.

    Happy Easter!!!!!!

  8. @ Caroline: I always love a cup of tea, cyber or otherwise! Thanks so much.

    @ Jeana: Thank you, that's so sweet of you to say!

    @ Madeleine: Yeah, it's a simple story but it works. Thanks so much for the kind wishes :)

    @ Alison: I don't feel brave, but thank you :)

    @Heather: It sucks sometimes, doesn't it? I'm glad the medication is doing something for you. Fingers crossed for remission for us both x