Shelley Watters is holding a first page critique contest over at her blog. You can check it out here. The rules are listed there, but basically writers in certain genres post the first 250 words of their novel on their blog for open critique. Afterwards, the polished extracts go forward to win the chance of being looked at by a hot agent. Pretty cool right? So here's mine:
Prologue
I woke up in a cold sweat, my heart racing. I’d had that dream again. It had been haunting me for the past few weeks, and I still had no idea what it meant.
It started with me lying face down in a dark room, with a cold stone floor beneath me. I knew there were other people around me – I could sense them, but didn’t know who they were. I heard someone walk across the room, their footsteps echoing on the stone floor.
‘This is your last chance,’ I heard a woman’s voice hiss in my ear. ‘Or it will be all over for you and your friends.’
Her tone told me that, if I didn’t do as she asked, something terrible would happen. I got slowly to my feet, and faced her. Moonlight streamed through a window illuminating the voice’s body, but I couldn’t see her face. A black shadow came over the window, blocking out the moonlight. A second later there was a large crash, an explosion.
Someone pulled me to the ground, away from the shadow.
‘Stay where you are,’ another voice whispered in my ear urgently. A high-pitched scream echoed above and I closed my eyes tightly, afraid of what I might see. When the screaming stopped, I opened my eyes. Just inches from where I lay I could see the unmistakeable glossy slick of blood.
Christine,
ReplyDeleteI like the fact that within a few paragraphs stuff starts to happen and it ain't anything good. Of course, there's a sense of danger on their heels, which makes me want to find out exactly what.
See my two cents below. Hope they help.
I heard someone walk across the room, their footsteps echoing on the stone floor. - Suggest...Someone walked across the room, their footsteps echoing on the stone floor. (I'd assume she heard the footsteps)
I got slowly to my feet, and faced her...Paint a word picture for me...eg. did she use her hands to prop herself on the way up?
I think you are a talented writer and it flows wonderfully, however, I'm not a big fan of the dream start because I have no idea what the novel is about or where it is going ... I wonder if this dream sequence could be used later on in the story because it certainly is poignant but doesn't give a great idea what the book is about.
ReplyDeleteI like this; but I agree with Kristi. I have no idea what your book is about and that's the most important thing for the first chapter to do. Maybe try chapter one and slide this somewhere else? Otherwise, good writing. I want to know more! Good luck!! :)
ReplyDeleteI like the sense of danger created in your opening 250 also. I, too, would rather this be the real deal than a dream. But I am still interested in reading more.
ReplyDeleteSmall copy editing detail: "I heard someone walk across the room, their footsteps echoing on the stone floor." Your pronoun/antecedent agreement is out of sorts (i.e., "someone" and "their" do not match. Should be someone/her). I know: nitpicky. But even the small things matter on the first page.
Never start with a dream, or your mc waking up and prologue's are another big no-no. Kristin Nelson has a ton of posts about beginnings. You're writing style isn't the issue just your starting point.
ReplyDeleteYou can fill the dream information in with back story, sprinkle it through the ms.
Hope that helps : )
This opening gives the reader a sense of danger, but that danger would be better invoked as a real happening so that we could get into the story in the first few lines. Dream sequences are difficult to maintain because of the need to connect them with reality. I'm curious about where the story will take us and would love to know what happens next.
ReplyDeleteWell, I guess I sound like a broken record here, but the "waking up from that dream again" beginning is rather overused. And like others have said, we don't really know anything about the setting or main character.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think this is well-written and I like how it gets right into the action. It's definitely creepy and has a clear tone.
Thanks for all the comment so far!
ReplyDeleteI'd actually forgotten the 'dream aspect' of the prologue, it's meant to be a flash forward of something that actually happens in the book. I think I'll remove the dream' part. Straight after this part comes chapter one, and everything is a bit more concrete and factual.
Thanks for all the help so far :)
You've done a fantastic job. Congrats! Some of your sentences could be tightened - instead of I got slowly to my feet, say I rose to my feet. Instead of "someone pulled me to the ground" say I was pushed to the ground ...
ReplyDeleteMan, I like when the action just starts and that's what you did. You jumped right in. This is really the prologue? Then I can't wait to see the first chapter. Good job. I'm not sure what the genre is. Paranormal? Mystery? Thriller/Suspense? Good writing.
ReplyDeleteLooking through your comments, I don't think anyone mentioned that it would heighten the sense of danger if we knew the gender of the disembodied voices. That way we could get a better sense of who is smacking her to the ground.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! I'm in the contest too and would love your feedback! http://gwynnemeeks.com/?p=132
I really liked this, I don't have anything to say that hadn't already been said.
ReplyDeleteInteresting comments about the dream aspect. I also start my novel with a dream, also, but it has a direct impact in a later scene.
ReplyDeleteI was intrigued, thought!
Like some other people said, dream starts aren't my fav. However, this is really an action packed dream and that's good too. I'd advise givign us just tiny details about the voices, maybe even the bodies behind them.
ReplyDeleteGreat piece! It definitely has me hooked into wanting to read more! :)
ReplyDeleteAlthough I, myself, am ambivalent about dream sequences, I have heard many agents list them as automatic no-nos. In this case, I think I would rather get to know the protagonist better. Maybe we could see what he/she is doing as the dream is recalled? i.e. getting up, showering, breakfast, etc.? It would give us some real-world info about the character as well as the dream. Just a suggestion!
ReplyDeleteOoo I can't wait to read the rest sometime soon!! :)
ReplyDeleteI definitely think your writing is fabulous, and even if you did start with this waking from a dream scene, I'd be hooked already and would read on :P
ReplyDeleteThis is written well, but I think you would serve your story better by starting where the story really starts. Where does the story take off. Avoid dream sequences and prologues. Look a little further into the story and you may find you can start it in a better place (I had to cut 2 chapters to find where my story should start). That said, this dream bit is great, you could weave it in later after you hook your reader. I hope this helps and good luck! :D
ReplyDeleteI think if you are going to start with a dream sequence it might be helpful to tighten it up a bit, so it gives the reader a better idea of what the story is about. Also, I would make the dream present tense to differentiate it from the rest of the story.
ReplyDeleteNice writing, though. Good luck!
Great job at building suspense. I wonder if the first paragraph would be better at the end. Maybe not? I liked this a lot. Great job and good luck.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to repeat what everyone else has already said about the dream opening, but I just wanted to say that you could still try to open by mentioning the dream, just not the 'waking up right after it' part. I know authors have done this well, because one of my recent favorite books, The Replacement, does this. It opens like this: I don't remember any of the true, important parts, but there's this dream I have. Everything is cold and branches scrape the window screen. Giant trees, rattling,
ReplyDeleteclattering with leaves. White rain gutter, the curtain flapping. Pansies, violets, sunflowers. I know the fabric pattern by heart. They're a list in my head, like a poem.
You have the same kind of lovely, visual style so I think you could pull it off.
Dreams give me pause as well. However, it is a very well-written, action packed dream that makes me want to know what is going to happen next.
ReplyDeleteI'm late getting around (sorry!) and you've gotten great feedback. I like the picture you've created in my mind and I'm definitely curious! Just to add..when the monlight illuminates the voice's body, tell me what the MC sees. Is it tall, thin, hunched over, misshapen? Also, what about the tone warns her something bad will happen? I can understand a tone sounding like it holds a warning, but would that warning be so specific as to threatean? Thanks for helping me out on mine. I appreciate it! christy
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the feedback everyone! I really appreciate it :)
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